video of self

The videos of myself each time reflecting on myself are very unimportant or at least they were meat to be , but now I'm not sure. Watching them back each time and then reflecting on it is addictive, it is intense self analysis but only very on the surface. Each time I am getting more and more frustrated and more and more self aware but at the same time this is making me much less self aware! However it is a way of sort of interacting with myself with directly trying to converse with a pre-recorded version of myself, which I did in the crit ( although I would like to come back to this). Its funny as it reminds me of the bit in waiting for godot where one character is restrained for thinking out loud, his thoughts getting ahead of him, although when I was recording it to camera it felt much more frantic and oddly watching it back it was a lot slower, which is usually the opposite of what happens for me, I am often speaking much faster than I think I am. is this something to do with being filmed by myself, so talking to myself... Should I film myself once again talking to myself on a screen reflecting on it as its happening???

I just need to do it and stop saying ill do it. ahrigidjogogfopd LOL shutpu

I also find it funny that in it I am aware of the fact that I am questioning the things I am doing and making fun of the fact that I could be someone on youtube who peole laugh at...

THE BED SITTING ROOM

Bizarre, slapstick language but after a while it all starts to make sense, even though it doesn't really you are just used to it. The people start to turn into objects that talk at some points. It is set just after a nuclear war. One character is obsessed with the fear he will turn into a bed-sitting room. All the smiles become more and more forced as the film goes on. Rita is pregnant what will be the fate of the first baby born after the nuclear war. It is so absurd that it turns the threat of nuclear war into something no less terrifying than a 'well aimed custard pie' - through the attack of normal language and scenarios / social greeting and normalities, be-little's a fear of nuclear war (to an extent).

DRAG PANNEL

Becoming (S)he : why do drag?
Foucault: we have to create ourselves as a work of art
RuPaul : We are born naked and the rest is drag
Lacan - mirror stage
Davey wavey - youtuber - seeing himself in drag for the first time- mis-recognition of oneself
continuation of whole of physic development
The voice is a unique sonic finger print, voice as third space always mediating between the self and the other - voice matrix
 Drag lip syncing - literally having someone elses voice as there own
ADORNO - GRAMMAR PHONE-  on cd or ipod whatever the voice of singer - voice we want to hear is our own - we identify with what they are saying. - but if it was actually our own voice it wouldn't work.

Freud - NARCISM - ego of ourselves - in our heads the ego ideal  shatters
drag queen protects the ego ideal.
INFANTILE MIRROR LACAN-  that between mother and child - mother image of totalised perfection - gay heroine for drag queen

DYER - gay function of judy garland - in the face of everything she carried on singing - figure of fragmented identity
minoz - queer utopia - stage rehersal - protection

the stuff about voice and sound I find really interesting, I wonder how it can relate to my practice at the moment, working with my written voice as a child to my spoken voice now as an adult....

MY DREAMS

I have been writing down my dreams since Christmas now, but I haven't worked out what to do with them yet. I'm finding though that at the moment I'm finding it much harder to get up because of it because somehow in my in-between sleep and awake stage I'm telling myself to go back to sleep because it will make my dream better. For example in one dream the other day, I was telling myself to ignore the alarm so that I could make a soundscape in my dream, I think I was already doing this in the dream, so the alarm kept with this, I managed to stay asleep/awake with my alarm on for 2 more hours without turning it off. So was i aware i was dreaming still i do not know? I also have more desire to sleep because I want to dream because its exciting.
I also had another dream about doing a performance in a green installation with a worm on a computer screen, i have never dreamt about making art before, could this be because i am now aware of using dreams in art or just a coincidence.

End of term

This term has now come to an end, and I really feel I have nothing to show for it at all which makes me angry at myself. I feel like I'm in this rut and the more I get in, it feels the more I can get out of. I think over the easter holidays I just need to go ahead and make things for now, things that have nothing to do with anything really and see where that takes me, perhaps some random sculptures which could then be used for props or something, I'm not really sure. Of the few bits of work I have made this term, I am really not sure about any of them. The charity shop piece was ok, but It just seemed to reach a natural death, where I felt I couldn't take it any further. Perhaps really this needs to be revisited. I also think a lot of the problem with my working this term was my lack of reflection, last term I reflected a lot more frequently and this is something I really must do again. This term I was much less emotionally invested in the work and was to distracted by other things, so I need to find a way to focus again and get back into a routine, I only have myself to blame for all of this. The practice workshop week was a really great turning point but after that I was quite thrown off, having found a lot of my old stuff from when I was younger as I used to write 'songs', write plays and make videos about lots of things. These felt to me so important and I knew I had to use them but I have had so much trouble working out how. Again I think a lot of it comes from issues I had last term (but seemed to get over) surrounding the issue of just making work. I faff about to much over the ideas and thoughts and get too distracted in my own head rather than just going and MAKING something. MAKE MAKE MAKE MAKE MAKE DO IT MAKE SOMETHING YOU FOOOL.
I don't really deserve an easter break as I haven't done enough, so when I go back to Brighton I'm going to jump straight into work, and use some friends for performance stuff. I must stop saying I'm going to do stuff and instead just do stuff.

My ideas surrounding the old material I've found are very stuck in obvious things and this really frustrates me as, but I think this is also a part of the problem, I'm too scared to make something that is bad or really obvious so I just don't do it at all, and instead hope that I can get it away from being that simply by developing it in my head, which really isn't going to work. I need to not be afraid for it be to rubbish, as this is the only way it can get better.

Death Cafe

Last night I went to death café. It was interesting to speak to strangers about this topic because you loose the awkwardness that happens often when you talk to friends about it. Death is a leveller between people because everyone is clueless about it really, no one knows what happens so everything is just speculation. Everyone I spoke to was there for different reasons, many brought up a death they had experienced which I found odd, as for me the reasons that brought me there had nothing to do with death of someone else, probably because the only major deaths I have experienced close to me were my grandparents but I was really young when it happened. In some ways I don't even associate their deaths with my thoughts of death. Both my discussions were very different, the first being more serious and the second more sort of laughing at death in some ways. Through the discussion I was recommended to watch tales of the unexpected, in particular an episode about freezing the brain, which I intend to watch. I used the second discussion to bring up my younger self's thoughts on death, as I have realised that a lot of the old material I wrote when I was younger which I am using now, is a lot to do with death. People seemed intrigued that I had thought about death so much from such a young age, so I feel like this is something to think about. I was really interested in one woman's stories about her time as an undertaker, I think undertaking is such a fascinating career because you are working so closely with death everyday, why would you want to keep reminding yourself of death... but for me it would be fascinating to be up so close and personal to it. It's funny it always seems like people feel that talking about death or seeing death will somehow bring it closer. Why is there so much drama towards death, like birth it is just something that happens out of our control.

I swear I cannot write anymore finding it so hard to focus on anything for more than 5 minutes. I can barely form a sentence.

Theatre of the Absurd

Ionesco
Beckett
Adamov

Ionesco - repulsed by the theatre - grown people embarassing themselves- de-humanising . But thne he realsied that everything was too subtle that was the reason for his repulsion
metaphor for dead love as a physical corpse - growing bigger and more destructive.

Murial Spark - the drivers seat

never allowed into the main characters head - just what we see as observer- also story of events that we know happened more an account of how they happened and not of why. the character is absurd (some critics say too absurd) and

suicide----- the only thing she can take control of - sense of ownership and power over oneself - i have often thought this how with death although I dont want to die and would like to die in an unexpected way so i do not have to deal with the build up. the notion of being in control of your death is also something satisfying and a away to tackle death. even in the name of the play , drivers seat it shows this.

Bataille

Inner experience
disillusioned we realise what we are.
we wont die and we can be everything
false - dis intoxicated when we realise what we are
higher existence - organisms like economic systems, building up energy, but then then when they squander their existence.

death of god - mysticism without god
DISCOURSE must be destroyed in order to have contact with the unsayable. his book is a paradox
capitialism and illusion of discourse drives us to self sufficiency - desire to become everything to escape the fact that we are finite beings.

fever, witnessing a death, frenzied spiritual contemplation -  these raw experiences only way we can free ourselves from work exposed by capital. but  problem lies in communication - through words it then becomes subject to the capital -  disillusionment . we can never talk about them without emptying truth. paranoid sensation that the only thing worth speaking of cannot be spoken.

but the difference of self and other is not totally destroyed, there is still an awareness of the concious of the other.

we cannot solve the problem by dying


THE EYE
story of an object - passed chain through metaphors

duality of metaphors
and circular metaphor bringing things back to the reality
two chains of metaphors entwining, then the normal words to fit with each one can flip, blurring thr distiinction between them all further.
synsthesia in the language.