I have been finding it hard to know what to make for a while, ever since really I found my old songs, plays, films i had made and my old fashion blog. There was so much in it that i knew i had to use as it felt like a very important turning point, but i found it very hard to use. Reading the songs from my 7 year old self felt very alien, i could not communicate with them properly, i did not know whether the things in the songs were genuine feelings as they were very sad and spoke about things i did not know I felt, or whether I was imagining they way people might feel and then writing songs about it. The problem is I can never know now, which is very frustrating as it was my own mind, so that mind is now gone? how can it be gone as it is me. how do I communicate with it. I envied that mind from the past as it was so much freer, i tried writing as freely as that but it was hard as i kept feeling stupid in front of myself, the third bit between language and thoughts seemed to get in the way, why did i feel stupid in front of myself, how can you use your mind to feel stupid and embarrassed about the very mind you are using. It also became very hard to then think write about all of this as everytime i would get frustrated as the words were not what was in my head, even now its frustrating to write as this is the very problem. I just noticed that i have been typing out loud whilst writing, so have been doing all three, thinking, using live language and then language in writing, all which are very different and all are doing different things. Every time i try and write about what i have been looking at with my work, i end up getting distracted by my current thinking situation thinking about the way I am transferring my thoughts into the external world incorrectly.
I have realised ever since finding all my old material is that now anything i write or do is tainted, because i have realised it can be used as artwork, this is both positive and negative, negative because subconsciously now this will always be around with everything i do, so nothing can ever been innocently written anymore. I did find anyway before that though, that i always had this feeling behind my most apparent thoughts that someone would see everything that was taken out of my mind through written language, but i have come to realise now that maybe its just myself. I want to impress my future self, not even in the far future but perhaps from a few days into the future. So aswell as trying to communicate with my past self. the future self interests me too, even the small journey from when i started writing this paragraph to now, what has changed with the language and the way i feel, i can never get back to that self, or the self that just wrote that part. Obviously its all the same self, but if i look at how much i cannot understand my self from 10 years ago, surely a very small part of me cannot understand myself from seconds ago.
I just read this whole thing back and its frustrating as its not accurately communicating what i want it to, or maybe it is communicating what myself 5 minutes ago wanted but not myself now.
This is why I am stuck, because every time I end up getting distracted, and I cant work out how to use the old stuff I wrote or did, without just putting it in, maybe I need to extract parts.
For now to break from this I need to make something without pre thinking it, just make whatever I want unrelated to what I am doing, and then do something with it without trying to make it about what i am doing and see what happenns, I NEED N OT USE LANGUAGE FOR IT.
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